I say let me never be complete. I say let me never be content. I say deliver me from Swedish furniture. I say deliver me from clever art. I say deliver me from clear skin and perfect teeth. I say you have to give up. I say evolve and let the chips fall where they may.
Recently I have felt the need to give up to God. To surrender. To sacrifice myself, maybe.
I read recently the bit where Jesus says we should take on his yoke (Matthew 11.29-30), and I feel like I’m starting to have some way of understanding that.
When I give up to God I feel free.
What? Weird, I know, but I do – when I give him control I feel free of the “yoke” – the weight of trying to do things which are impossible, like controlling my life and doing the right thing every time.
The other day I said to God in the morning that I gave that whole day to him and he could use me for whatever he wanted. I spent most of the afternoon locked in a really unpleasant argument about Christianity with some of my colleagues, which left me pretty bruised, but which I think was what God wanted me to do that day (I didn’t start the conversation at all). What could be more relieving for a Christian than feeling that God is going to guide you the way he wants you to go?
That kind of bittersweet experience is exactly what I get from Jesus’ stuff about the yokes – you give up one yoke to take on another, but it’s better than the first one, but it’s still a yoke, etc.
This is going to sound pretty weird to some people, and it’s certainly a new thing for me to trust God that he wants the best for me, and I’m sure it won’t last, but hey, maybe you should try giving up to God.
In a way it is quite like the quote above from Fight Club. The relief of letting go and letting the chips fall as they may, of giving up trying to control and allowing God to work around you – it’s good when I do it.
Of course it lasts about 5 minutes for me before I start prising back control, but we all have to start somewhere, right?
So every morning I say the same thing to God – I give you today and you can use me how you like, and I try to mean it, and I wait and see how the chips fall…