Archive for March, 2002

22

Tuesday, March 12th, 2002

I seem to define myself almost entirely by negatives. I am not a normal person, not a CU Christian yet not a non-Christian, not of the world, not good, not boring, not stupid.

But those things which I am not are really things I hope not to be. I define myself, it seems, by my distaste for the character flaws of myself and others.

The question remains as to who I am. Some positives? I’m 22. I come from an unbroken home. I don’t remember ever feeling or desiring contentment (a lie). I’m not part of Generation X. I’m back to negatives.

My main characteristic therefore (apart from 22-ness) seems to be despite: hate for hypocrisy, weakness and clich̩ Рthe traits I am most certain I possess.

From where does this come? Perhaps from the fact that the only thing of which I can be certain is my own weakness.

“Therapy” seems to me to be the process of constructing within some poor creature’s mind the delusion that he is worth something, worth loving.

Or she.

You see I was born with these words written on my heart:

“everything is meaningless”

As Descartes started from “I am,” so I start here.

What can you build from everything is meaningless?

Yet I believe in God. A positive: I am a Christian. But look closer and you see it’s not that simple. Jesus? He was:

Not sinful
Not hypocritical
Not condemning
Not clichéd

I know there are positives, but this is how I see him.

Do you know my greatest hate? Christians my age. Why? Because they have bought in to Generation X – they are untrue to themselves. Thinking they are following Christ, they mimic their elders.

Generation X! The people who achieved the first genuine worship of money in history before realising that that left them nothing. And that’s where they are now:

“nothing”

They pretend that what they have is enough, and wait to die.

And my peers copy – thinking that Christians must exist with only this nothing inside them – not realising that our parents are all like this Christian or not. Not realising that we must get further than them before we simply fade away.

We were born knowing

“nothing”

and we have to escape.

We must avoid cliché – it’s in our makeup, and we’re in the image of God. Our great passions are pure things – we can feel that – so they are from him and should be nurtured.

What is important to me? A positive?

“integrity”

or we fade away.